Saturday, August 4, 2007

The most degenerate brom party ever: Marcy's 21st

In my long, illustrious collegiate career I've seen more than my fair share of degenerate, retarded, shit-show parties. Of these, tonight's celebration was the pinnacle.

Things that happened:

1) Dub got drunker than I've ever seen him
2) Dub and Sam were flipping for 100s of dollars at a time. At one point Sam was down $600. This was all accompanied by screaming and instigation from the crowd. They flipped like 50 hands.
3) Dub and Shanley raced and Shanley bashed into a car
4) Gary got more retarded than I've ever seen him and hid his own keys and promptly forgot where he put them. He then spent a long time searching for them, finally found them, unlocked his room, and then forgot he unlocked his room and tried to search for his keys again. He was also falling off chairs and shit.
5) Shanley was absolutely retarded and tried to make out with me. He also fell off the beer fridge.
6) Nora got dangerously drunk and has been cared for by Katrine for the last 2.5 hours while she has been lying on the bathroom floor of apt. #1
7) Tilton got both high and drunk and engaged in some fight with a random kid.
8) Marcy (it being his birthday) passed out on top of the garbage on our back porch. He also assaulted me, and I was forced to try to finger his asshole so that he would relinquish his hold.
9) A lot of guitar hero was played, along with beirut (often accompanied by prop betting).

Frankly, I don't know how the cops weren't called tonight, especially since there was a lot of screaming outside. I've stayed sober through the whole ordeal, and am in shock: tonight I witnessed the lowest tier of human nature. I have been reminded why I love this house.